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FAQA Special Thank You
To Dr.Cranquis, for inspiring me to begin this journey into blogging about both my health and the medical profession, from beginning to wherever it is I end up. Your simple response those months ago sparked something in me that I can't quite explain, so thank you.Blogroll
Blogs that inspire, teach, and always satisfy my desire to learn something new:My Other Blogs
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“Undergraduates across the country are choosing to leave science, technology, engineering and math programs before they graduate with those degrees. Many students in those STEM fields struggle to complete their degrees in four years, or drop out..”
“Science and math programs are designed and taught to winnow down the number of students. University tenure systems often reward professors who conduct research and publish their work, but not those who teach well.”
Anonymous asked: Is the xray on your photo yours?
It is. It’s one of the original x-rays from when I was first diagnosed with Scoliosis. It has changed drastically since then, though.
When I interact with my absolutely incredible physicians, after this huge surgery and new chronic disease(s) that have changed my life, when I go to events for patients and visit nurses at the hospital that so diligently cared for me when no one else did, I can’t help but think I would be selling myself short to not go pre-med (perhaps it’s time for some counseling).
It takes a 3.8gpa to apply and be accepted to the major (junior and seniour year) at FSU. My first semester I went from being a straight A student who worked her ass off to a student with a 2.4 gpa on the verge of losing both her sanity and her scholarships.
My head says yes, my heart says maybe, my body is saying NO.
But what are they going to be saying when my RA-riddled hands try to get through four hour labs and dealing with a university with a science/math department that doesn’t care about disabled students?
My autoimmune shit has completely stopped responding to DMARDs and I’ve declined big time in just two weeks. I’m pink everywhere with rash (that looks like sunburn so people must think I’m a pink-skinned person or something weird), so it’s time to “break out the big guns,” biologic medication. Specifically, Enbrel. Because we caught the RA (and/or now “suspected Still’s Disease”) in its first major flare relatively early, I have a good shot at remission. But remission is no cure; remission is simply “a lessening of symptoms.” There is never a guarantee when there is no cure; what do I do with myself if I get into a career field that my body can’t handle, and subsequently my mind with it? Brain fog is not a joke; just pre-calc nearly killed me because I simply couldn’t analyze the math that I knew and had studied. Of course a biology degree does not force me into med school; I could do a handful of things with it. I could major in psych. but take my pre-med requirements elsewhere or at the same time.
Becoming a first responder solidified my love for medicine and helping people. It was so rewarding, just holding someone’s hand while having stitches to racing to help someone with an abdominal aortic aneurysm. The adrenaline was unreal. For so many years I had such a strong gut intuition about want I wanted (uh hello, I had my first full anatomical model of a person at age FOUR), was sure nothing would get in my way so long as I worked for what I wanted. You know that saying “the only thing standing in your way is yourself?” well yeah, literally my immune system is standing in the way. Can’t get rid of it, can’t cure it of its shit, so now what? Never thought I’d be having one of those college existential crises like this. Pre-med crises? All the time. Probably weekly late semester. But existential life crises? I feel so lost. So for the next semester I’m taking a bunch of bullshit courses, re-evaluating my life while starting the intense medication (and physical therapy once I’m able), and taking classes full time all summer sessions. Oh, and praying for remission. Whether those will be psych major classes, biology classes, or both, I guess I have another semester to decide.
My doctors inspire me, push me, have offered me incredible internship opportunities that very few people will ever be able to have (uh, one of the top spine surgeons IN THE WORLD offered me an internship) and all of that has come from struggle, so when I think about their spirit, their wish to see me follow in their footsteps, and the good that might come of the struggle of getting to that MD at the end of my name, how could I ever sell myself short by not trying? For myself and for them.
Today I saw my spine surgeon. Yesterday my rhematolgist. I hope they both know how important they are in my life and how blessed I am to have such wonderful people treating my maimed body while mentoring and teaching me at the same time. The MD at the end of their names means so much more than “Medical Doctor.” Not many people are subject to what I’ve gone through, what I’ve seen, and the kind of pain I experience on a daily basis and can relate on a personal and professional level, but my physicians happen to be some of the very few that truly get it. How lucky I am in some twisted way to be on this uphill battle with my health; what an incredible physician such insight would make for.
How could I ever sell myself short?
I’ve been learning and thinking more and more about what is best for me; something I didn’t do last year. What’s going to be good for my health? College isn’t easy; stress is inevitable, but we all know that pre-med is different. Hell, I was told straight up when applying to university that “biology students don’t have the same college experience” and to “be prepared to adapt” to a lifestyle that my peers would not necessarily share. That advisor was 100% correct.
As I realize more and more that the stress of my current major (bio/minor in chem) is seriously detrimental to my health, I get this gut feeling that I need to switch. Not out of fear, but out of this grounded, peaceful place. I want so badly to reach a place near remission and I know if I continue on this path, I won’t get there. Stress does incredible things to the body, no matter how good your coping skills are.
I went pre-med after four years in a medical academy that certified me as First Responder in the state of Florida (would have been EMT if I hadn’t had health issues…) and it introduced me to what it means to help someone so intimately. There is nothing more vulnerable than being in a hospital gown subject to tests and physicians you know nothing about.
If the goal is to combine my love of the body and brain and combine it with my desire to help people, while not compromising my own health and career in the process (Of course there are other specific reasons why I would change lanes, but that would be an absurdly long post), aren’t there other ways to do that?
Wouldn’t neuropsychology, psychology to aid in the coping of chronic illness, patient advocacy…aren’t all those majors and career directions accomplishing the same goal?
Recently I was told that psychology has no value when I discussed with my grandfather going into neuropsychology instead of getting an MD at the end of my name (can you sense the bitterness?) I took his ignorance and following sexist comment as a challenge to prove him wrong. Combined with other fields, I think psychology is incredibly powerful and innovative, and at the end of the day, does so much for people in all aspects of society: from criminals to firefighters. Combine psych. with biology, with neurology, with patient advocacy or child services and you have a combination to be a power house of knowledge and help. Pre-med or not pre-med, if the goal is to help people while not putting my body through the near-torture of medical school (not to mention undergrad), then I think a major change is in the near future.
There is no easy road
There is no easy way
But there are more productive ways, and there are always new paths to create. I go back in the Spring (January). I’m praying for remission by summer, will take an easy kind of bullshit semester in spring to ease back into things, and figure out what path I want to take.
And of course, will continue to update as I walk down this new path.
… Yet, if allowed to speak uninterrupted, the average patient tells his/her story in 60 seconds or less.
(Cranquis is stuck at a conference on doctor-patient communication today, so you get to share the joy.)
That’s a serious issue that I encounter constantly. One future doctors might want to take note of.
“Can I really manage both being sick and the process of becoming a physician?”
I spent most of the past eight months asking myself that question. I would have small anxiety attacks over my future, that I felt was flying passing me by day by day and I couldn’t seem to catch up. My pre-med friends and I had existential crises on a regular basis over coffee (this is normal if you were wondering). For them it was simple: Am I smart enough?
For me it was complex: Am I smart enough? What if I get too sick? What if I’m smart enough but the fatigue and symptoms keep me from being smart enough?
The constant questions over and over again like a broken record:
This is my dream, but can I be a good physician to my patients if I cannot adequately take care of myself?
Can I focus on my work while I’m somewhat focused on my pain?
Should I be putting my body through the stress of medical school?
Should I be subjecting my body to the stress of pre-medical undergrad?
Will the consequences outweigh the MD at the end of my name? Or will being a physician be enough compensation for compromising my health?
The questions raced through my head each night. I couldn’t solve simple pre-calculus problems because of the brain fog. I wasn’t sleeping, was in constant pain, and kept thinking how am I supposed to become a physician like this?
It’s nothing new that most of the treatments available only moderately suppress symptoms in the majority of people with moderate to severe autoimmune conditions such as SLE or Autoimmune Arthritis, FMS or M/E. For none of these conditions are there a cure. It’s also a hard fact that stress induces flares; the road to becoming a doctor is as stressful as it gets.
So is this what I want? Do I want to do this?
For those of you answering that question, there is an answer. I found mine, but not without some research and soul searching:
Ultimately, it was my body that gave me the answer, and that answer might change come January. That’s okay. I am considering changing my major to psychology with a minor in biology or to exercise science to go into physical therapy. If I put myself under the pre-med stress I had last year, my body will crumble. So for those of you wondering if you have to choose between being sick and being a doctor— don’t choose. Not without time, research, and soul searching. You might find something new along the way. At first I thought I was giving up my dream and I could never live with myself for it; now I feel like I have stumbled upon a new career that combines medicine and psychology alike; a secondary academic passion. Who knows where my journey will lead me.
—E
*Post on lab work/hours soon up next.
I hear the phrase a lot from doctors, physician bloggers, surgeons, nurses, fellow patients and loved ones; being labeled the “difficult patient” because of a chronic or complicated illness.
I’ve heard “the difficult patient” referred to as a lot of things: the patient with a nasty attitude; the patient who refuses treatment or refuses to take care of their body; the patient with a complicated family situation; the patient with a terminal/complicated disease pattern; the patient whose disease remains a mystery; the patient who can’t give a straight answer; the patient who has a chronic illness.
Most of those definitions I understand. But it’s the phrase I have an issue with when it comes to being the chronically ill patient.
STUNNED that after a DAY of the blog being up that so many people found it interesting.
I wake up this morning? Over 100.
That people care about my cause(s) and what I’m trying to say truly startles me. Thank you for listening, all 100+ of you.
If this blog goes a few days without updates, it’s because of my flare. I’m also recovering form major spine and chest surgery, so bear with me while this starts up. In the mean time, check out Chronic Curve, the sister blog, and like theChronic Curve Facebook Page, where I’ll be posting updates about BOTH blogs.
— E :)
